WARNING:
Material is edited for profanity,
but
not for evil. Proceed with caution.
NOVEMBER 4, 2005 From the esteemed Mr. Drayakir D:
I’ve had about enough of your pitiful ramblings in the
soapbox. I have several points to make why you are a
stupid ****, and deserve to die. Firstly, your name.
Pillsbury. What the hell were your parents hippies? I
mean, change it, or the company’s going to sue you for
copyrights infringement. Second, and mainly, your
soapbox ramblings. You refer to you failing at getting
your project into a movie/book in almost every ******
one. Seriously, stop. Let me spell it out for you.
Y-o-u a-r-e a f-a-i-l-u-r-e. Got that? You are a
failure. You failed to make it into a movie, so you
tried to make it into a book. That failing, you pretty
much whored yourself out, and put your project on the
internet for all to see. Well, my friend showed it to
me, and I read it. God, what worthless garbage. In
your soapbox, you ramble on as though you’re the
**** Philosopher King. You’re not. And the web
comic itself. Not only does the art suck, and reminds
me of something that came out of a cat’s ******; but
the storyline in itself is moronic. Who the **** cares
about some borderline ******** father, who isn’t
only a manager at a toy (TOY!) company, but also has
no tolerance for his kids.
And on a final note, before you try to make some
snappy comeback, I’m a Bio major in Cornell, with
heavy emphasis on Literature. You see, unlike you, I
have already written several short stories, submitted
them, AND got them published. So if you try to make
some pitiful comeback that wasn’t covered in this
e-mail, go ahead. Post it, and I’ll reply. I will burn
your ass. Oh, and since you’re apparently a
Southerner, [insert typical inbreeding joke here] .
MY REPLY: Wooooooooow. A real live literary genius, and a MAJOR in BIOLOGY, writing from CORNELL.
You're right on one count: I am a failure, regarding getting a movie made or a book published. And, according to you, the site itself.
But you're a guy writing to a failure, trying to gloat. So what does that say about you?
A few more points:
1) Really good writers don't have to resort to incest jokes and massive profanity to cut somebody down. Try being a little more Dorothy Parker, a little less internet fanboy. That might help you get published in something more than a college literary journal.
2) Actually, my real name IS Pillsbury. And no matter how nasty Pickens was, he at least had the balls to sign what I assume was his real name on his email. Not hide behind a pseudonym.
3) If "Drayakir D******" IS your real name, I forgive you. You're obviously a foreigner, still lacking a proper grasp of English. A bit of advice: internet forums and chat rooms are not the best place to learn the language. (That advice might be too late, judging from your email.)
Cornell, huh.
Your campus has all those gorgeous lakes, from what I understand.
Beautiful bridges...
People jump from them all the time, right?
The nation's highest college suicide statistics...
Why don't you go add to them.
Cheers,
Darren Pillsbury
To my other fans who may have just read this:
1) If English is not your first language, please forgive the cheap shot I made against Dray. I would guess that 75% of the non-native English speakers who visit this site are more eloquent than Mr. D, and 99.9% are far better souls. If someone writes me a kind letter in the worst English ever, I DON'T CARE. That he or she wrote in with support and encouragement is a million times more important than grammar. And infinitely better than being like Mr. D here.
2) I shouldn't have put down college literary journals. Again, another cheap shot, and I apologize to you folks who have been talented enough to publish in college, high school, or any other literary forum. Getting your stuff out there for others to read is the most important thing. And, in the interest of honesty (and giving Dray more ammunition), I was turned down the one time I submitted a poem to my college literary journal. There you go, Dray. Write in something else snappy about that.
3) To those upset that I have sunk to Mr. Drayakir's level with the suicide crack, I'M KIDDING.
Kind of. FRI, OCTOBER 28 , 2005 Heeeey I -just- started reading your work. And I rather enjoy it :) And so I scrolled down and noticed you have three separate sections devoted to specific letters you receive and I'd like to be you first "bad" one. So anyway. DAMN YOU!!!
-Christoph
That was a "nice" bad letter. And here we have a truly bad letter...
Man, I was readin' your internet cartoon and was thinking to myself "*&^%, son, that is some ugly ass drawins", I was gonaa write you a letter to tell you that you should probably cut your hands off 'cause they ain't never gonna do anyone any good, I don't think.
But then I realized it was pretty much too bad to be a serious internet cartoon. I figured you had to be jokin'. You had me goin' for a second, though! Good work, man. That's funny *%$@ .
Regards,
A. Pickens (rebelflagg@XXXXX)
Actually, you're wrong, Mr. Pickens. Each of my hands has a very good purpose: extending a finger to tell you that you're #1, dude !
I like the country colloquialisms - 'ain't never gonna do anyone any good, I don't think' is my favorite. It's like Larry the Cable Guy wrote me a nasty email. And yet you're obviously smart - the use of the apostrophes with jokin', goin', 'cause...nice. Intelligent hicksterisms.
Actually, my guess is you're a big city poser, but, that's cool. I mean, the name...the email...you're tryin' too hard, dude. Tone it down. For instance, decide whether it's Pickers or Pickens, both of which showed up on the email.
(To my other readers: the 'A' stands not only for 'A-hole', but also for a name that could match Maynard or Hiram for deep Southern stereotypes.)
The phrasing sounds faintly like one of my sarcastic friends in LA (is this you, Mr. K? Mr. H?), but I'm giving Mr. Pickens the benefit of the doubt. We'll assume he's the real deal until one of my buds yells "PSYCH!"
Write back, Mr. Pickens. You shore are entertainin'.
I also wrote back directly to Mr. Pickens:
Ha, Pickens dude, you RAWWWWWWK!
No, seriously, come on back by the site. You're the Guest of Honor in the Soapbox, the Asshole of the Week!
And don't forget to look at your letter displayed in all its glory at http://imaginaryfriends.us/if_bad_001.htm
Regards,
Darren Pillsbury
This is what he had to say:
You little ***, what you do know? I tell you what, you don't know ***.
I ain't supposed to be smart because I type like this? I type like a I talk, but hey, you call em like you see em, kiddo.
You seem like a smart fella when you're trying to call me out on ****, you think you'd be able to work some of that into a better comic. Or maybe you just upset that you can't draw for ***, and need to make up for it. Like a dude with a little *** buying a sports car. Or maybe you got a little *** too, and there's just all kinds of rage I can't begin to imagine. Or want to.
So hey, sure put me up on your damn site and poke more fun at me. But I ain't the one making comic so **** ugly they ought to come with a warning and a spoonful of pepto.
******,
A****. Pickens To which I replied:
Dude. Seriously.
I thought your first email was more of a joke than anything else. After all, who would spend so much time and effort writing an email to somebody whose artwork they don't like?
I thought I might get a witty, ass-kicking reply, something I could post, get a little good-natured rivalry going.
But THIS...phew.
Maybe you should look into your OWN "all kinds of rage."
And THAT was the last I heard from Mr. Pickens.
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